Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I have demons in me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
