I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
