I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
