Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
