best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
