I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
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i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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