Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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