Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
