the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
