I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
