I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
