it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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