You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
