My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You are a genius and a whore.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
