If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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