god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
