im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You pole danced in your parka.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
