Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
