there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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