im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
barbara walters just said penis...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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