Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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