I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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