Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
