An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
