This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
