someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
