you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
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Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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