Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
