i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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