I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
