I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
