Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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