I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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