I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
