I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
