My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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