I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
