Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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