I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
