We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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