1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
