Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
