If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
