turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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