bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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