Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
handjob tips. give me some.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
only you would photoshop your dick
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
