You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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