he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
