Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
