and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
