If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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