I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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