I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
