Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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