I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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