Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
