Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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