I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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